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'Fucking Hell'



Last week was the first time I ever had a swearing tic, Coprolalia. 'the involuntary and repetitive use of obscene language'

A new sensation is present in my body and mind.  A sensation like I am holding in the urge to say something.  Flashing thoughts and images explode in my mind, words I shouldn't say, but I have to.  It rises from my feet, up, through my chest and into my throat like steam rising up and out of a boiling kettle.  And then suddenly there it is, I've said it, and it's out there.

Last week was a very busy week. It was the Easter Holidays and I was preparing myself for a weekend away with Andy's family. I love them all and I was excited for some rest and recovery time.  But when I am away from home with new people and out of my comfort zone I need to mentally prepare myself. Any feelings of anxiety creep in and act as a trigger for my TS and it becomes a very different weekend to what I expected...

The drive to North Devon was difficult - I couldn't sit still - I was apprehensive and had little space to tic.  As soon as I arrived I was overwhelmed, I had a 'tic fit'. A 'tic fit' is where I need to get down to the floor and thrash it out (sometimes I fall down) - loud screams, repetitive sounds and legs flailing all over the place.  This was my 3rd 'tic fit' in a week.

I made my way upstairs away from everyone - splurting out random things as I was climbing what felt like a mountain of stairs in slow motion. 'I need a hot bath', 'Happy Birthday', 'I want to go home', 'I'm a cat.' This had never happened before.

During a board game, I was pleasantly surprised by my performance answering many of the questions, but this presented a whole new problem, a new sensation in my body where I wanted to shout out all of the answers.  'Donald Trump' and 'Hey Mary' were my answers before I could think - but it wasn't my turn and these were in fact the wrong answers...!

It was a long, refreshing weekend of releasing tics that I had been holding in for what felt like a decade, lots of amazing food, sleeping, and dog walks.

Monday morning. A trip to the office, feeling confident, I had this covered - I sat at my desk; I wriggled and jiggled a bit and stuck my middle finger up from time to time under the desk and towards my fellow colleagues...not out of the ordinary. Copropraxia - 'a tic consisting of involuntarily obscene gestures'

Jordan stopped me as I was about to leave to compliment me on my new necklace that I had made myself for my birthday. I began to explain how I was disappointed that the ends of the fringe of the necklace were not lined up, and everyone close by began to engage in the conversation. I have started to become accustomed to my 'Hey' 'Ho' and 'Wow' tic mid sentence but something unusual slipped out of my mouth, the one thing I had been fearing since my diagnosis of Tourettes.... 'Fucking Hell' - I said this in front of everyone in the office.  I blushed, I laughed and the conversation continued. How peculiar!

It wasn't part of the conversation, it came with tension, the rolling my shoulders forwards and in a slightly different tone, I am very aware that this wasn't something planned and was not part of the discussion.

My friend Dani (lovely Dani) has been just super supportive and has made me chuckle when it comes to my tics. She is not afraid to talk about it which really makes me feel comfortable in the office. It feels like me when people acknowledge it and becomes not just this weird thing I do from time to time but a part of who I am. My Tourettes evolves as I journey through life. It has the familiar sensations of a relationship with it's forking roads, changes, tears, aches and joys - each day is a new day. Most importantly I want to go through this experience with people and not feel alone.  I want to laugh and cry with people and I want it to be seen.  Each week goes by and I feel a little more open and confident, even though some weeks I take a step back, it's always a steady climb.

Dani sent me this song which reminds her of my Tourettes - and I loved it! [I can't listen to it too much because I end up ticcing to kingdom come]

So I will conclude this blog with a song about my TICS...enjoy!









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