Fireworks Within

Tonight I can only describe the sensations within my body as tiny fireworks waiting to explode out of my skin. Sometimes the fireworks ignite, they are ready to burst, but they don't. They resemble a tiny puff of smoke, and I am left with a very disappointing feeling.

Sometimes there is a need to Tic, the prematory urge before a Tic can sometimes be more uncomfortable then the actual Tic itself. When it doesn't happen it can feel like a huge amount of build up in your body that you cannot let out, like a firework that hasn't gone off properly. Sometimes I physically urge and gag because it won't surface.

It either doesn't come out as expected, or you are somehow unconsciously suppressing it so that you can blend in to the social situation you find yourself in, to desguise yourself as 'neurotypical'.

The other night, at the theatre, I sat with my partner surrounded by friends feeling safe and supported, until the moment where I needed to Tic. My evening became less enjoyable and my attention turned to how I was going to survive another 5 minutes, let alone another hour of the show. The last thing I wanted was to verbally Tic mid show, disrupting the audience or performers.

I needed to get home and let my little gremlins escape my body, they had been running around my limbs all night. I was preparing for a big one... a full blown fire work display- like the proper good expensive ones that the local council pay for on bonfire night (not the dodgey cheap rockets you danderously let off in your garden.)

But, nothing. I was shocked. I cried because I didn't Tic... which was strange. I really needed to tic, but my body wouldn't let it, the one time I actually wanted that release! Cheers!?!

It makes this condition all the more unpredictable and confusing. Sometimes I really think I get it, and then I get it wrong and realise that I can't prepare for something I can't control.

My body is a Fizz, a Crack, a Pop, a Shhhh, a Scream, an oooooo and an ahhhhhh. I am quite literally one of those 'screamer' fireworks that are a bit random and edgy! You never know which way its going to go!

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